The Huntington Library

Spent a beautiful afternoon at the Huntington today. Inspirational. Memories. Bittersweet. Calm. Reflective.

Five years ago today my mom died.

This time of year is a mix of thoughts and emotions. There's the cheer and nostalgia and beauty of Christmas...and there's the painful end of my mom's battle with cancer. She didn't see either of my two older brothers get married. She didn't see my son come into being and grow. She didn't get to see my career as an artist moving forward from student. There's so much I miss her being a part of.

The first few years after she was gone had their own, special pain. Walking around the busy shops made me feel the emptiness she left. Of course strangers are oblivious, but somehow that was just as hard on me as the people who were aware of my loss. I was in my own little orphan bubble, floating around a sea of family.

Its gotten easier. Time is soothing. I still get off kilter this time of year though. Its hard to do things. I'm tired. I want to do more than I can. I'm forgetful. Then I quiet down and remember her. Its good.